Cheating – within the scope of a relationship – is never a pleasant experience for either partner. Generally, the victim is left with a broken heart polluted with feelings of sadness, anger, and disappointment while the cheater is either filled with the guilt of hurting their partner or does not care in the slightest. If it’s generally never a pleasant experience for either side, then why do people cheat in the first place? Today, we are going to take a look into a few reasons as to why people cheat as suggested in an article by Theresa DiDonato and build upon these ideas by taking another approach using game theory to see if there is some sort of “payoff” from being unfaithful to your partner.
Trust is one of the many components to a stable and healthy relationship, as it “is a hallmark feature of committed romantic relationships and is often (not always) tied to confidence that a partner is both romantically and sexually faithful.” (DiDonato, 8 Reasons People Cheat) It has been mentioned in the article that “infidelity can wreak havoc on a relationship” as it can trigger domestic violence, induce negative emotions, and promote poor mental health. If infidelity brings about this level of negativity for both partners in a relationship, then what makes an individual want to cheat to begin with? DiDonato suggests 8 potential reasons/motives for these individuals (note that this list is not exhaustive):
- falling out of love – losing feelings for your partner
- for variety – wanting to seek other individuals out of boredom with your current partner
- feeling neglected – seeking for attention from another person due to your current partner not providing any
- situational forces/being in the heat of the moment – certain circumstances that are out of an individual’s control in a certain setting (e.g., drinking a lot of alcohol and dancing at a club)
- boosting self-esteem
- anger – wanting to get even with your partner if they did something to wrong you
- not feeling committed to your partner
- personal needs and wanting intimacy
From the list provided above, we will take a closer look at the second bullet (for variety) and the seventh bullet (anger) and examine their “payoffs” based on what the individuals lose/gain from their actions to see what correlation it has to the mentioned reasons. In the second bullet, the individual’s reason for cheating is due to the fact they are bored with their current partner and want to see what other fish are swimming in the sea. In the seventh bullet, the intent the individual has is to get even with their partner and/or assert their dominance over them.
Building off the second bullet, suppose you have a cheater Mary and her partner Pat. In addition, suppose either partner has the choice of cheating or staying faithful to their partner. Let us also assume that Mary’s intent for cheating is out of boredom while Pat has no intent and has strong feelings for Mary. We would then have the following payoff matrix:
If Mary cheats, it doesn’t matter what Pat does since her intent for cheating is due to boredom; Pat gains nothing from Mary’s actions (other than a broken heart) since he still has feelings for Mary. If Mary stays faithful, it would be in Pat’s best interest to also stay faithful considering his feelings for Mary; Mary gains nothing from staying faithful as she will be stuck with the same partner and be bored out of her mind. From this, we can see that the pure strategy Nash equilibria are (Cheat, Cheat) and (Cheat, Stay Faithful). Building off the seventh bullet, suppose we have the same individuals mentioned above. In this instance, let us assume that Mary’s intent for cheating is due to her anger for something Pat did (suppose Pat cheated). Let us also assume that Pat bears the same intent as Mary. We would then have the following payoff matrix:
If Mary cheats, it would be in Pat’s best interest to also cheat given that they’re both angry with each other. If Pat stayed faithful, the only person winning in this situation is Mary. If Mary and Pat stayed faithful, neither individual would gain anything from it since both still have their pent up anger and neither one can get even or assert dominance. The pure strategy Nash equilibrium in this case is (Cheat, Cheat).
In both cases, we can see how the pure strategy Nash equilibria all involve one partner (or both partners) cheating on each other. If we run through the rest of the bullets under specific assumptions with intents/reasons for the cheater, then we will see how the cheater always benefits from the situation.
From what we’ve found in examining the situations, does this mean you should still cheat on your partner? Absolutely not! We all know how bad cheating is and how it can terribly sever relationships not only between the 2 partners, but between mutual friends in their network. Though the payoff may seem like it would be better to cheat, it would be in your best interest to not do such a thing and ruin your own reputation with people. In the end, we know that cheaters never prosper.
LINK: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201910/8-reasons-people-cheat
Good read! It raises an interesting question on whether payoff matrices can change. To elaborate, your first example explains how Mary would benefit from cheating, regardless of what Pat does, because she is bored. However, is it also important to consider the consequences of this choice? Sure she may have her 5 minutes of fun, but what about the guilt of hurting Pat after? Or the stress in the relationship? If she doesn’t care about any of that, sure cheating is in her best interest (though she probably just shouldn’t be in a relationship), but otherwise a choice that once looked good would now have a large cost to it, and would best be avoided